Oh Well

I'm still haunted by this song after all these years. The last time I listened to it was when I was crying because I was sickeningly jealous of someone. Oh well, let's forget about him and her. That was sooo long ago. I just feel like listening to sad songs again.

I watched Kim Sam Soon for the second time except that there are no commercial breaks and missing episodes (roll eyes). It still has the same effect of inspiring me that life has its own twists and turns so that you'll end up with the right person. But why did it have a sad impact this time?

I don't know.

Maybe because after a year of watching it, I began to realize that I'm still alone.

A friend of mine (who was recently transferred to another team) once said: "It's fun being sad and feeling alone. Single people crave this sadness and self-pity stage because it makes them happy in a way."

I do not agree with this. Some people (like me) do not crave for this sadness all the time. It creeps me out. Yeah, I agree that there are instances when we feel like pouring our hearts out due to lack of companionship but we did not choose this. Fate chose it for us. Or perhaps part of it is our own decision. Okay, a combination of both.

I admit that I am happy with my current status in life: SINGLE.

She simply forgot that there are some single women out there, who simply yearns for someone who will be there for them too. Not just in times of sadness. Not just when we feel like yelling because we succeeded in doing something. We are also like any other person who dreams of having another human being at home who will look at them and instantly sense their inner thoughts like they're connected.

I'm not a hopeless romantic. To be honest, that stage of my life evaporated when I got heartbroken. I became realistic in life. I saw more of the real world and realized that fairy tales only end up happily ever after because they're fictional characters made to serve as inspiration to readers.

Unfortunately, when I was lurking in the library, I got fascinated with tons of them and ended up conjuring my own fairy tale someday which might never happen.

Yes, I am sad. I am still the introverted girl I was in high school. I have changed into a sociable person but I still find myself alone in the company of others. Although I belong to the people I am with, somehow, I can see an invisible line separating me from them like an outcast. I know I am not. Nobody would think of it this way because I always seem like a cheerful and friendly person in front of everyone.

But you know what, it gets tiring sometimes. I have this wishful thinking of simply disappearing in a crowd because I am more at ease that way.

It's like I am this big fraud to myself. I'm tired of smiling when I am too depressed inside. No one ever asked me at work if I'm feeling okay when I have this wilting smile on my face. Is it too much to expect a single person to notice the difference when my smile can only reach the cheekbone and nothing else?

Someone from work also told me this which bugged me deeply: "You're one of the few people who are hard to distinguish when mad."

This mask on my face must be too thick, they can hardly recognize when I'm about to explode with all the pretense that everyone has at work. I don't blame them for pretending because, I, myself, am a great pretender.

I didn't intend to, I just am. As much as I'd like to be myself all the time, this world requires a specific reaction that is dictated by society and I may look like a lunatic if I reacted differently all the time.

One more obvious reason is: it's a lot easier to pretend than show the world that sadness already swallowed you whole and you no longer have the strength to be completely happy because you are still alone in this fight against the unknown.

Oh well, that's another deep thought to ponder. I should be arrested for this crappy revelation.

Sleepyhead