Solitude

Have you ever felt like you missed a chance and it's too late?

I'm going nuts being alone right now which is crazy because I used to love my solitary moments. The feeling when you can do anything and think of everything. That's the hard part. When you begin thinking of everything, you start seeing that you did something you wish you would not regret in the future.

The evaluation stage. The part where you analyze what went wrong and what happened which led to your current situation. Wow, that's a deep sentence. Am I really writing this?

I reached a point that I realized I somehow missed a step somewhere and I'm lost. The most interesting thing about it is I don't know what, who or which thing I missed.

If time can be stopped in a specific scene, maybe I can identify what that is. Unfortunately, we can't. We can only run it through our memory and remember the details we didn't notice.

I must be going crazy. I'm thinking, I must've missed the purpose of my existence. You must think I'm weird. I have this idea that all human beings have this purpose for living. I believe in the saying that one person can make a difference in the world, which sometimes, I think is crap.

I'm a realistic person but I can't hide the fact that I do believe in the unknown. Is it a sin to be a hopeless romantic and realistic at the same time?

I am both. I'm a contradictory girl as my friends used to say. I always look at both sides of the story. I see the whole picture and not just an angle which makes it a curse because I may look like I don't have a specific opinion, although I do most of the time.

Complicated, right?

That's my gift and my curse. I am good when it comes to other people's situation but when it comes to my life, I'm a mess. Well, based from what I wrote up there, I definitely missed a great opportunity somewhere...

...which led me to the NOW. What is it then? Nowhere...

I'd love to drink right now, but a smoke may suffice...I can't sleep thinking I missed something yet that fact does not register anything in my brain no matter how hard I think about it. Gosh, I may need help after all. I hope not.

I'm dying to know my purpose in this life..I just hope it's not yet too late.