The Flu

I got sick since last Monday before I attended my orientation for my new "job". I can barely breathe due to the flu but I still went there thinking that it's not such a big deal since it's only for 2 hours--I can handle it. Right? What's 2 hours? It's almost like watching a movie without the popcorn and drinks.

Yeah right. My hands were both clammy, my mind almost numb from the scary lecture given by the director regarding their strictness in attendance and my stomach kept rumbling on the background because I wasn't able to eat much before 5 p.m.

This new company made us wait for hours during the hiring process but of course, they had to keep up with the reputation and make us wait AGAIN on orientation. I'm grateful for their way of apologizing by providing us with food after the scary lecture from the Aussie guy director but it doesn't compensate the long wait.

I'm not sure if I got sick because I had this premonition that I don't want to work there or it's due to the ever-changing weather. I also got drenched from the rain last Sunday before I got home and didn't bother to take a bath so that must be it...

I thought I had superpowers against the rain because it's my favorite weather and I like Storm from X-Men-- guess not.

I met a couple of new acquaintances there like Kev-- a slightly shy girl who doesn't reply much to my comments, Xie-- a timid girl who's more of "I don't want to talk to anyone" mode which is almost plastered to her forehead and Red-- a guy who just smiles all the time when he can't think of anything better to say.

I met some who worked from the same company as my sister but the common things ended there.

They say you always bond with people you have something in common with and for the whole 2 hours of that "Meet and Greet" I don't think I've met anyone I can really get along with.

There's another girl who I thought would most likely be a potential friend since she came from my previous company but she seemed such a snob when she replied about knowing a common friend. It was like, "Who the hell cares?" with a flip of her short hair. Okaaaay, I think I got more sick after that.

Realizing that my sticker name tag was inverted as Kev bluntly pointed it out was not enough. After the ID pictorial, I left the building and walked out the back door like a cat and crossed the street. A man I passed by called me by my name and that's when I realized I still had the sticker name tag on.

(Geez, I'm such a klutz. This is the effect of not working for a few months. What would it be like if it's a year?)

Currently, my biggest dilemma is not facing those co-workers who seem like aliens to me. It's the fact that I might really be sick after watching the A (H1N1) on TV over and over again. Based from the symptoms, I only have the cough and flu. I didn't experience the rest of it (e.g. diarrhea, vomitting etc).

I can barely breathe even after drinking a gallon of calamansi juice and daily dose of vitamin C. I've consumed about 2 rolls of tissue and my nose is more red than any reindeer on Christmas. I truly hope I'm okay by Sunday because the schedule assigned for training is 7 a. m.

Major torture for people like me who usually live at night. I don't want to miss this opportunity but if fate really doesn't want me to start on Monday, I think I might decide to cancel going to the company altogether instead of delaying it if they'll reconsider keeping me there.

I hate the fact that I believe in signs but THIS is the biggest sign I ever got since I prayed in Baclaran. I asked Him to help me make the right decision in choosing my next work.

We were supposed to pass the requirements last Monday during the orientation. Unfortunately, the HR who handles it already left and we were asked to submit everything on Monday instead. All of us ended up bringing the freaking long BROWN envelope (FYI: I've never applied for work with a brown envelope in my entire life--for the sole purpose of being subtle about your goal for the day) which contains the offer and necessary documents required back home AGAIN.

Well, I could be reading it incorrectly or my imagination is running wild again because maybe I don't really like the company in the first place and I just want to do something with my life. Is it sooo bad??

I feel like I'm being swallowed by a black hole and everyday before Monday (June 8) is pulling me closer to neverland...

Isn't shopping for the business casual outfits already a pain in the ***? I haven't even done it yet and I only have 4 days! I had to be sick to make it more exciting and challenging, huh.

I sound like I'm in HS complaining about finding an outfit for Prom. Well, that must be the reason I never loved HS like the others.

Book addiction strikes again!

PS I LOVE YOU
By Cecelia Ahern

Sweet.Sad.Funny.

Those 3 words can summarize the entire book. I simply loved reading it. It’s all about a girl named Holly who lost her husband and received his letters 2 months after his death. Her husband, Gerry, left her letters that contain tasks and his wishes for her for each month until December so that she can still feel his presence.

My first reaction was: OMG. What kind of guy would do that for a girl? Or rather, is there a guy who would do that for a girl these days? If it’s possible to have a flood in a room due to the never-ending flow of tears I’ve spilled in my pillow, it could’ve happened. However, I didn’t read the book in one night so…fortunately, the flood didn’t occur.

This book made me realize how important my dull life is. I got this guilty feeling of not appreciating my life and I kept complaining endlessly about my current boss that I failed to notice its insignificance compared to others.

Well, I just want to say one other thing…is there a Gerry out there? If there is, I hope he finds me soon, because I’m tired of waiting. If there’s one, there’s a HUGE possibility he’s taken too.

What am I thinking? He’s definitely with someone by now because the Gerry’s are so rare they’re like endangered species.

So much for my lousy afternoon with DLSU losing from ATENEO…Darn, I hate it!

I was so excited- I thought they’d win. Nevertheless, thanks for the adrenaline-rush of watching the game. They did a great job. For the next game, I’m sure DLSU will win so everything will fall right back into its rightful place again. This is just a taste of victory for ATENEO.

La Sallians are really nice for doing this instead of simply clutching the glory in their hands.

Oh, I gotta go now…my century old buddy will be mad when I don’t return her messages in YM!

PS:

Saw online that this book is gonna be a movie soon! Can't wait! Probably December!

Oh Well

I'm still haunted by this song after all these years. The last time I listened to it was when I was crying because I was sickeningly jealous of someone. Oh well, let's forget about him and her. That was sooo long ago. I just feel like listening to sad songs again.

I watched Kim Sam Soon for the second time except that there are no commercial breaks and missing episodes (roll eyes). It still has the same effect of inspiring me that life has its own twists and turns so that you'll end up with the right person. But why did it have a sad impact this time?

I don't know.

Maybe because after a year of watching it, I began to realize that I'm still alone.

A friend of mine (who was recently transferred to another team) once said: "It's fun being sad and feeling alone. Single people crave this sadness and self-pity stage because it makes them happy in a way."

I do not agree with this. Some people (like me) do not crave for this sadness all the time. It creeps me out. Yeah, I agree that there are instances when we feel like pouring our hearts out due to lack of companionship but we did not choose this. Fate chose it for us. Or perhaps part of it is our own decision. Okay, a combination of both.

I admit that I am happy with my current status in life: SINGLE.

She simply forgot that there are some single women out there, who simply yearns for someone who will be there for them too. Not just in times of sadness. Not just when we feel like yelling because we succeeded in doing something. We are also like any other person who dreams of having another human being at home who will look at them and instantly sense their inner thoughts like they're connected.

I'm not a hopeless romantic. To be honest, that stage of my life evaporated when I got heartbroken. I became realistic in life. I saw more of the real world and realized that fairy tales only end up happily ever after because they're fictional characters made to serve as inspiration to readers.

Unfortunately, when I was lurking in the library, I got fascinated with tons of them and ended up conjuring my own fairy tale someday which might never happen.

Yes, I am sad. I am still the introverted girl I was in high school. I have changed into a sociable person but I still find myself alone in the company of others. Although I belong to the people I am with, somehow, I can see an invisible line separating me from them like an outcast. I know I am not. Nobody would think of it this way because I always seem like a cheerful and friendly person in front of everyone.

But you know what, it gets tiring sometimes. I have this wishful thinking of simply disappearing in a crowd because I am more at ease that way.

It's like I am this big fraud to myself. I'm tired of smiling when I am too depressed inside. No one ever asked me at work if I'm feeling okay when I have this wilting smile on my face. Is it too much to expect a single person to notice the difference when my smile can only reach the cheekbone and nothing else?

Someone from work also told me this which bugged me deeply: "You're one of the few people who are hard to distinguish when mad."

This mask on my face must be too thick, they can hardly recognize when I'm about to explode with all the pretense that everyone has at work. I don't blame them for pretending because, I, myself, am a great pretender.

I didn't intend to, I just am. As much as I'd like to be myself all the time, this world requires a specific reaction that is dictated by society and I may look like a lunatic if I reacted differently all the time.

One more obvious reason is: it's a lot easier to pretend than show the world that sadness already swallowed you whole and you no longer have the strength to be completely happy because you are still alone in this fight against the unknown.

Oh well, that's another deep thought to ponder. I should be arrested for this crappy revelation.

Sleepyhead

A or B?

I thought I made the right decision when I transferred back to my team.

Little did I know that their new boss was more than I can stand...

Sitting beside her feels like I'm in an electric chair about to be executed-and that's my seat until the end of the month! Lucky me huh?

It all started when I got a freakin' cold last Tuesday and I had no choice but to get a leave from work. She treated me like dirt even when I'm in my worst condition and went to work although I can barely breathe and talk. A little appreciation for my effort would have been great (she sent me a fake message: drink-medicine-every-4-hours crap) but no, her token of appreciation can be seen first thing in the morning by giving you a sheet of paper that is entitled "verbal warning". Good thing, I still have my senses and didn't sign it.

I didn't take it personally but I told her it's incorrect because I submitted a medical certificate to prove my absence as valid. I was the actress at work who was able to avoid a confrontation and diligently continued working in the midst of an internal turmoil. I can't recall such a great performance in my entire corporate life.

I am so tempted to transfer to my previous team again because I'm afraid my patience wouldn't last very long and I might do something that I would later regret. My boss is very kind but underneath her prim-and-proper facade lies a BMW (bitchy manipulative witch). I would prefer a monster for real whose work ethics and leadership skills are crystal clear than a two-faced fashionable, neat-freak boss whose mind has no other goal but to appear graceful, approachable and extremely smart as well as results-oriented (in pretending to be one) but demanding and unreliable in terms of work. She takes credit for all the hard work of the team and that is what makes me want to spit fire whenever I see her approaching her chaotic desk.

Now, which direction do I take? Do I stay with BMW or go back to my laidback but consistent boss? I would really hate to leave my friends again but it seems I have to choose between:

a) keeping my sanity and principles (not to mention my closest friends) or
b) losing both just to please my lousy boss.

So please help me...A or B?

---An inch from consulting a psychiatrist

Solitude

Have you ever felt like you missed a chance and it's too late?

I'm going nuts being alone right now which is crazy because I used to love my solitary moments. The feeling when you can do anything and think of everything. That's the hard part. When you begin thinking of everything, you start seeing that you did something you wish you would not regret in the future.

The evaluation stage. The part where you analyze what went wrong and what happened which led to your current situation. Wow, that's a deep sentence. Am I really writing this?

I reached a point that I realized I somehow missed a step somewhere and I'm lost. The most interesting thing about it is I don't know what, who or which thing I missed.

If time can be stopped in a specific scene, maybe I can identify what that is. Unfortunately, we can't. We can only run it through our memory and remember the details we didn't notice.

I must be going crazy. I'm thinking, I must've missed the purpose of my existence. You must think I'm weird. I have this idea that all human beings have this purpose for living. I believe in the saying that one person can make a difference in the world, which sometimes, I think is crap.

I'm a realistic person but I can't hide the fact that I do believe in the unknown. Is it a sin to be a hopeless romantic and realistic at the same time?

I am both. I'm a contradictory girl as my friends used to say. I always look at both sides of the story. I see the whole picture and not just an angle which makes it a curse because I may look like I don't have a specific opinion, although I do most of the time.

Complicated, right?

That's my gift and my curse. I am good when it comes to other people's situation but when it comes to my life, I'm a mess. Well, based from what I wrote up there, I definitely missed a great opportunity somewhere...

...which led me to the NOW. What is it then? Nowhere...

I'd love to drink right now, but a smoke may suffice...I can't sleep thinking I missed something yet that fact does not register anything in my brain no matter how hard I think about it. Gosh, I may need help after all. I hope not.

I'm dying to know my purpose in this life..I just hope it's not yet too late.

Reincarnation or just my imagination?

When I was in high school, I was a firm believer of reincarnation or the so-called rebirth. However, I stopped believing some time in college for an unknown reason. Maybe it's the same as kids growing up and realizing that there's no such thing as Santa Claus or tooth fairy.

One Thursday morning, I sat with someone whom I had too much in common with in my first day of college. It was a first for me so I concluded, "Hey, maybe it's true then." Later on, I wrote an article about this for another friend and after much research, believed in having our own control over our lives.

Yesterday, I sat with this ex-crush/office mate of mine. I can't believe that after more than 2 months of knowing him, I knew little about the "real" him. He's a good conversationalist: he knows when to listen to my neverending stories and when to share his own story modestly. He had some work experiences that he can consider as something to be proud of but he sounded very shy when he's talking about it. He knew when to tell a joke or when to laugh uncontrollably at my silly jokes. He also knew when to be honest and serious when I don't feel like laughing at another joke. (Maybe he knew how to tickle people's funny bones because he had a lot of experience in Marketing?) It's just weird that he knew all those stuff when none of my other office mates do. By the way, this guy is the same guy who wears a ring on his finger, the one whose perfume I smelled 5 meters away in the MRT-scene and the same person who got my attention on my first day at work.

Just to clarify, I'm not into married men. I'm puzzled as it is about his being familiar to me, so I'm not interested in anything other than finding out the truth.

The common thing about the 2 incidents: I realized that something is different when our eyes met. (too dramatic-when we had eye contact? same thing.)

Honestly, I don't believe in something unless I have proven it. The thing is, I don't have any proof. It's just conversation that made me realize its meaning.

Too bad, I won't be able to investigate and observe further. Yesterday was my last day with my team for April. I'll be joining a different team in May. I'll really miss all of them but I guess life has a way of leading you to something else so you'll have a clearer picture of yourself and what you need to do with your life.

It's only sad that I had to know about all this when it's almost too late..or maybe not. I just have to deal with the so-called move...

An Extraordinary Day

I was hesitant in going to work last night.

I don't know. I just felt out of my normal perky self. I was a bit down. Please don't ask me why because if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't even write this today. Maybe it's because my friend and I will be separated from our team next month due to our preferred days off and partly because I miss my friends.

However, there are 2 events from today that will stay on my mind for years simply because they were unexpected:

1. I got out of the cab and I bumped into a certain someone that I had a crush on years ago. Talk about college crush. Well, the feelings certainly came out of nowhere and almost swallowed me whole. The only time I remember that happened was when he held my shoulders when our paths crossed on the street. Take note: he's with his friends at that time and I was walking with my friend after our window shopping/starbucks moment and he just shouted my nickname in the middle of the street like I'm lost. (Well, I sort of uh..got lost when he touched my shoulders!)

Well, today he touched my arm and he shouted my name again. Only this time it was my real name. I was stunned; more like frozen in place. It took a few minutes to recover and to recognize him. Then, he was the one who told me I was probably late. It seemed like he was about to tell me something but decided to keep it because I was in a hurry. Actually, my whole world stopped when I saw him.

I was waiting for that moment for weeks now. Why did it have to happen last night when I was running late for work???

2. I had a great talk with this woman over the phone. She was crabby at first. She kept complaining about my instructions on how she can connect to the internet. After a half hour, she began to tell me about her life. She's 64 years old and alone. I didn't bother asking her where her family is because I didn't want to sound like a nosy agent. I simply replied and commented on her stories about being a survivor of cancer and undergoing another operation some time in the near future. I was amazed at how strong she sounded over the phone. I never would have thought that she's sick or she's really fun to talk with. I even enjoyed it when she was telling me that her favorite past time is the internet and TiVo. If she happens to read this, well, I would like to tell her that she inspired me to make the most out of my life. A bow that reaches the ground would not suffice my respect and gratitude for meeting this kind of woman.