Depression strikes again

I found myself paying the cashier with this book in hand plus a supergrip pen that I grabbed on the way. This is me when under too much depression, anxiety and the like.

I thought the urge was gone. I walked and walked and before I arrived home, I was carrying a big plastic filled with useless stuff (except for the chocolate): black socks, hair clips, accessories etc. I was supposed to buy corporate outfits but all I can find are suited for women who no longer have periods! Grrr....

By the way, I met a HS friend and her pathetic tag-along boyfriend-- who wouldn't take a hint that I never wanted him to be there in the first place. As the frank person that I am, it took a lot of patience to control my anger towards him. I tried to include him in the conversation so he'll feel comfortable. I don't want to fight with a friend because she prefers to have him follow her wherever she goes. I understand this syndrome but can't she understand that I need a friend right now? I never requested her to be there with him. The saying "3's a crowd" is an understatement. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs after meeting her. I needed to breathe.

The afternoon sun didn't hinder me from taking a long walk home. I was upset and it's as if I'm indifferent with everything that's happening around me. I've never felt this angry and depressed since 2nd year college. That was when I read my friend's blog and realized I'm a big fool for trusting him. He didn't know I was stupid enough to browse through his posts from previous months only to find out how much he hated me.

I'm always laughing like a lunatic at the office with my gay friends. I admit they are fun to be with and can make me forget some of my worries. Anyone would think I'm the happiest person in our batch. None of them knows that I'm dying to feel happy that I try to smile and laugh at work. Sometimes it works, but most of the time I end up in a corner at home unable to sleep because after all the attempts, I am still the same old me.

The sad girl who simply wanted to experience happiness for free.

Home Alone on a Saturday

I am currently downloading Lou Pardini's "What Might Have Been". I know...it's silly to think about the what-if's but I can't help it.

Last Thursday, Blue just blurted that I bought the Star Value card worth a thousand while he was talking to my friend. I was shocked that he even noticed me; I didn't know that he saw me when I nodded as I walked past him in the MRT station. FYI, I'm blind when I'm not wearing my eyeglasses. I can only recognize people who are right in front of me.

Wait... my HS friend, just logged in on YM. I don't know why but I don't feel like chatting with him right now. It's too complicated.

Change topic. I'm invisible so I'm fine...unless he's Superman, right?

Back to Blue, we had another "incident" yesterday. He was on his way at the back to return his manual and he bumped into me or maybe I bumped into him. I'm a walking disaster when I'm around my crush so normally, I try to hate them. Weird huh. Well, it's my defense mechanism. If I will continue to admire them, my life would be in chaos. I can't concentrate on the important things and I am instantly transformed to the clumsy me. If you were in my shoes, I'm sure you'll also do the same thing.

Whoever said having a crush as an inspiration is good, may not have retained their sanity along the way. I understand the other side of it but the concept obviously does not apply to everyone. Especially me.

I called up friends who may want to sleep over because unfortunately, my sister is celebrating her birthday in advance with her friends. Her HS friend already went home because of some unexpected delay in her review so I was left alone. My so-called friends are unreachable or busy or sleeping. Left with no other choice, I'm contemplating over buying beer in 7-11 and drinking on my own or just having a DVD marathon since they're piling up now due to my new job.

I feel like a loner if I'll buy the beer(s) in 7-11 and it's a Saturday night! I have tons of friends; where the hell are they????

Lonely Heart's Day

Today's the 6th day of training in my new work. By the way, I luckily landed on a techie job after my first attempt to apply. Plain and simple luck-being at the right place at the right time. Honestly, I am not a techie person--not to be humble or whatsoever--I can just understand the PC by playing with it and ending up breaking it at one point or another. I know the basics but not the exact terms that the people in Microsoft might know about. Hopefully, I'll know some of the techie terms at heart after staying with this company for a year or more, depending on how I'll perform. Pressure...pressure.

To those who are busy and not aware of what this day is, Happy Heart's Day! Hope you had a fun-filled day...

Well, mine's not that bad and not good either. I had a glimpse of my crush, let's call him Blue (he's always wearing long sleeves with different shades of blue-my fave color). I just knew his name earlier during training. He's one of the top trainees, not surprising though, because I always fall for the smart guys. I don't know why...it must be some kind of syndrome. He was the person I looked at during my speech about the "famous personality" so his face sort of stuck to my head. He was nodding like he understood every word I said so that must be it. Or I'm a total freak. Just choose one. ;p

Anyway, I was surprised when I saw him in the MRT station. He was standing in front of me, waiting in line to get the card, and I got tongue-tied right then and there. So much for being the confident girl in class. I tried to convince myself and ask him where he was headed. Unfortunately, he got his turn to buy the card. Talk about missing one hell of an opportunity to talk to him in person instead of smiling every now and then when we bump into each other in the hall on the way to the coffee machine. Sigh.

I can only remember one thing on my way home. He smelled like he just took a bath and he's on his way to work rather than going home. I must've smelled like trash after smoking and then passing his way to get the card. So much for impression. Another sigh.

I was staring at his back, walking towards the other station which goes north. I'm headed south, to the other end of the earth. It's a sign. It wasn't meant to be a happy ending. He must be a married guy or something. He seems like a guy who'll go home and greet his kids with a hug. Darn, I didn't check for a ring on his hands earlier while I was behind him. Oh well.

I hate myself for not taking the chance to talk to him. I never thought it would be so difficult to say HI. He must think I'm a snob for not even acknowledging his presence.

I was left there standing like an idiot, waiting for dear MRT. I just realized it's the same as my love life. Non-existent. I must be the girl who will always wait for the right guy to come along and will be left with no one.

If this is my fate, I must've done a very bad thing in my past life to deserve this.

Freaky Friday

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
~Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900), The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891

A shocking news got my attention. Yesterday, I went to the HR for my new job to file my requirements. To my surprise, the HR personnel referred me to a clinic in the mall for a pulmonary consultation. Whaaat?!? That was my hidden reaction. Fortunately, I was able to hide it for fear that she'll think I'm not fit for the applied position and immediately tell me they made a mistake for hiring me.

I had my annual physical examination last November or December from my previous- or current?- job. I'm unofficially resigned because I have a terminal leave from February 1-15. My previous x-ray didn't show any sign of being ill or whatsoever. What's up with this company? They are requiring us to submit tons of papers which sums up our entire life and they're still not contented? I'm totally losing my patience...and now, my sanity is at stake because I'm getting paranoid over this "pulmonary thing". I mean, how would I react to that?

a) "Oh, I have a pulmonary disease? Wait, I think I'm having a breakdown!" Or...

b) "Hahaha...are you kidding me? Where's the camera? C'mon, I know it's here somewhere..." Or worse...

c) "Are you sure it's my paper? I could ask another doctor and if i found out you made this up, I'll come back and sue you for delaying me from my new job!"

Oh my gosh...Thank God, a friend agreed to accompany me tomorrow.

Another applicant, who became my instant friend, also received a message that she will be transferred to the next batch because she needs to undergo the same test. I don't know if it's supposed to make me feel good that I'm not alone or bad that the two of us may not be hired after spending more than 8 hours on that freakin' office.

On the contrary, at least I'll have a few more days to rest before I plunge into the bottom of the corporate world. A week to be exact to sleep late and do what I want. Umm...not exactly. I just remembered I have to arrange the photocopies of my diploma, birth certificate etc.

If I can only fast-forward this moment to next week, it'll be a lot easier to handle. Most of all, I can breathe normally once I know that I'm free from all the possible disease going through my head because of smoking.

I think this is my sign to quit...
or fate's just testing my limits...
it's doing exactly the opposite.

Honestly, (for the non-smokers out there) I'm proned to smoke more when there are hindrances (people telling you to stop it). I hope the non-smokers are aware of this. Encouraging smokers to stop makes them want to do it more everyday. I know I'll quit one day but it will be my decision. I will stop automatically once I reach that phase. Or maybe I'm making excuses for my habit.

Naah...I will quit one day and in my own time and place. Mark this day, friends.

(Whew, if they can only read this...I am so dead. Lol...)